Oh, if ONLY the Onion were joking.

"Rumsfeld: Iraqis Now Capable Of Conducting War Without U.S. Assistance

WASHINGTON, DC—Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said Monday that escalating violence in Iraq demonstrates that the Iraqi population is now capable of waging the Iraq war without outside military aid, and pronounced the American mission there "a complete success."

Rumsfeld lauds Iraqis' progress in making war.

"Over the last month, the Iraqis have been fighting like you wouldn't believe," said Rumsfeld in a press conference at the Pentagon. "New Iraqis are joining the war every day—so many, in fact, that we don't know where they all came from. It's almost as if they came out of nowhere."

"The scope and intensity of the combat in Iraq is such that I believe the presence of American forces in the country will no longer be required to help the Iraqi people plummet into meaningless violence," Rumsfeld added.

The rest of the would-be satirical article is right here.