chaotic_nipple

So, I think I actually did pretty well on yesterday's chemistry test. While I might not have aced it, I'm confident I at least made up slightly for bombing the last one. I guess all those pennies I sacrificed to the Black Hole God worked.

... "What is the Black Hole God?" you say? So glad you asked! See, there is a coin funnel in the Physics building on campus, and the Black Hole God is a minor deity that resides therein. Now, I've never actually SEEN said deity, but I know in my heart, spleen, and appendix that It is there, for how else would I have gotten passing grades on math heavy subjects? You see, that is the only area that the Black Hole God is capable of granting prayers in. You drop in pennies, the Black Hole God eats them, if It is satisfied with your offerings you get inspiration on the test, and you can divine the omens relating to your grades from the collisions that may or may not result when you drop several pennies in at once.

Now, some may demand "proof" of all this. Well, I have a photograph right here:
( photo behind cut )
Showing where It lives! You might foolishly demand further evidence, like a picture of the Black Hole God Itself, but I say the mere idea is Hubris. Even assuming that It is visible in Its native form, it would surely be an act of arrogance to shine a light into the funnel and attempt to catch a glimpse of Its diminutive glory. While Its smiting ability is probably only commensurate to Its prayer-answering power, _I_ sure don't want to be struck with hangnails for such a blasphemous act.

One of the ways I combated boredom in Iraq was contemplating how I would use my inevitable maiming as an opportunity for self expression and personal adornment. "Let's see, if I lose a hand AND a hand AND an eye, I'll have the best pirate costume EVER!" That sort of thing.

I think I was starting to run short of actual good ideas, when it occurred to me that if I lost a leg far up enough to require a partial hip prosthesis, I'd be able to get it chromed, and tell people to "Bite my shiny metal ass!" While this wouldn't have really made up for losing a whole leg (and probably some genitals in the process), it would have been funny, for a while at least. And even after it had _stopped_ being funny, I could still keep saying it, because who's going to tell a one-legged eunuch that his jokes are wearing thin?